Smoking Beauty
by There'snoconsistency
Summary: The 2016 revival of a parody of Disney's movie Sleeping Beauty. It contains mature content. Please only view if you are over the age of 12. Join Auroura in her quest to save her own life before she turns 16, but it's going to be hard, seeing how everyone around her has the IQ of a piece of cheese.
1. Scene 1

**Hello, there! My name is There'snoconsistency, and I'm here to bring you a parody of the Disney movie, Sleeping Beauty!**

 ***DISCLAIMER: This work contains vulgar language and profanity. If you are under the age of 13, or this doesn't interest you, please click away and find something else to read. If you choose to stay, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!* This is your first and only warning.**

 ***This is written in play/script format.**

 ***This is part of series. The other plays in the series are of much higher quality.**

 ***This play was not made to offend anyone. It is purely for the sake of comedy.**

 ***This play is a parody. No copyright infringement intended.**

 ***I was 13 when I originally wrote this, so revising it now 2 years later is a challenge. If things don't make sense, I'm very sorry. The other plays are better, but this one comes first in the series.**

 ***This is one of the few author's notes I plan on writing, so as to keep the flow of the script moving smoothly.**

 ***Enjoy!**

 **Smoking Beauty** **\- Scene 1 - The Hospital**

(Stage is dark. Loud screams and groans are heard along with two male voices saying things like "Push it out" and "It's okay, honey." Screamed words are audible, like "WHYYYY!" and "GET THIS LITTLE SHIIIIT OUT OF MEEEEEEEEEEEE-" A loud, sudden, popping sound is heard, and the screaming is replaced by crying and panting. Lights go up to reveal a Queen, wearing a crown, lying in a hospital bed, a King, also wearing a crown, standing next to her, holding her hand, and a Doctor, holding a crying baby. All of these characters look like they came from the wild world of 1998.)

Doctor: We'll just give her a bath, wrap her up, and bring her back to you. (Exits)

Queen: Oh, I'm just so excited it's a girl! I've always wanted someone to bond with, you know? I mean, my sister and I never really had that.

King: You do realize that until she's 25, she's going to be unbearable, right?

Queen: 25?! Oh, I can't wait!

King: Yes, yes. Everything's fucking wonderful. But, what are we gonna name the little bastard?

Queen: I don't know, I just work here! Why don't you think of something? After all, this _was_ your birthday gift.

King: I didn't ask for no baby. I just asked for the best sex of my life without protection.

Queen: You do know that this is what happens when you don't use condoms, right?

King: Who wears condoms anyway? We're in the NINETIES, for gods sake.

Queen: All I'm saying is that you should learn to control your tiny shlong!

King: He isn't small, he's FUN SIZED!

Queen: [Insert Sex Joke Here] Okay, this is getting off topic. Any names?

Together:

King: How about… Peanut Butter?

Queen: How about… Mother Fucker From Hell? (Doctor enters and gives the baby to Queen)

Doctor: Have you decided what to name her?

Together:

King: Mother Fucker From Hell.

Queen: Peanut Butter.

Doctor: How about… (thinks) Betsy?

Queen: Too slutty.

Doctor: Okay… Sarah?

King: (suddenly with hipster glasses:) Too mainstream.

Doctor: Alice?

Queen: Too creepy.

Doctor: (desperately:) Sheila?

King: (w/o glasses:) Too fat.

Doctor: (fusstrated:) Mary?

Queen: What, is she gonna die a fucking virgin? ( _#foreshadowing_ )

Doctor: (sarcastically:) Rainbow Sunshine?

King: _So_ thirty years ago!

Doctor: (Facepalms. Closes eyes and points to something random in the room.) Placenta.

Queen: That actually sounds pretty good-

Doctor: (Pulls out a plastic play-do knife) I will slice the both of y'all!

King: Hey, I know of a name! … Oh, wait… it's gone…

Queen: What about Auroura?

King: Where'd you get that name?

Queen: Yesterday in the news, there was this woman named Auroura who died of a drug overdose. I don't know why, but I just started thinking about that.

King: Oh, what the hell.

Doctor: Fucking finally. (realizes he said that out loud, then gives the Queen and King a clipboard.) I need you to sign these papers for me, please. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. (turns to leave)

Queen: Actually, can you get us a co-

Doctor: (whips around) Haven't you ever heard of an empty gesture? I mean, come on, people. Unbelievable. (exits)


	2. Scene 2

**[WARNING: Stereotyping ahead. Let me remind you this was not meant to offend anyone.]**

 **Smoking Beauty - Scene 2 - The Castle**

[King and Queen stand center stage, with a pile of crap behind them, consisting of wrapping paper, clothes, and baby toys. Colourful lights are coming from one of the wings. Pumping nineties music is heard with constant faint chatter. A banner hangs stating: Congratulations on your "bundle of joy!" It's a baby shower/rave for Auroura. A pair of identical male twins enter with a large wrapped box.]

Twin 1: [yells to Queen over music:] Thank you for inviting us!

Queen: [smiles and chuckles, then suddenly drops the act] Give us the box. [Twin 2 gives her the box. Points to party zone.] Go get drunk! [Twins exit. Queen reads card.] This gift was given to us by a weird old man who said to give it to you two. We actually didn't get you anything. From, H and H. [rips box open. ]

King: What'd we get? [music starts to fade out.]

Queen: Just some more shitty toys. [dumps box out. Dozens of purple dildos fall out. She tosses the box behind her. Three fairies enter: Flora, an uptight, British fairy; Fauna, a cheerful, laid back fairy, and Lizbeth, a stereotypical lesbian with short hair and tattoos fairy. All the fairies are in their early twenties.]

Lizbeth: …and so that's why I'm no longer welcome at the Hot Topic in the mall.

Fauna: k.

Flora: [clears throat] We have come to bestow our gifts upon your daughter-

Fauna: And get wasted.

King: Excellent. Proceed.

Fauna: [steps foreword] Where's the baby?

Queen: I'm sure I just had it somewhere… [starts to rummage through the pile of rejected toys and wrapping paper. Finally, at the bottom of the pile, is baby Auroura. Queen picks her up.]

Fauna: Put it on the ground.

Queen: [drops Auroura] Oops.

Fauna: [pulls out wand] I give her the delicate, slutty body of a dancer. She will be lean, strong, and very whorish. [looks at wand, puts it away, and spits on Auroura. Flora steps foreword.]

Flora: I give her the gift of being loved by all and be the kindest of souls.

Queen: Fuck that cliché. NEXT!

Flora: Wait, wait! I'll give her the gift of being loved by all and… and… [rolls eyes] and she can give good bjs. [casts spell on Auroura with wand.]

Queen: [to Lizbeth:] And you? [All of a sudden, a green flash of light happens, and there stands a puke-covered, clueless, and completely wasted Millifacent.]

Millifacent: [yelling whenever she speaks, pointing in the general direction of Queen:] YOU! You… you dinit inbide me tuh yor party! I wanted tuh… tuh…[throws up everywhere] And YOU! [stumbles over to King.] You're a… a … [seems to struggle with the word] a DICK!

Queen: Millifacent, what are you talking about?

King: You've been here the whole time, and from what I can tell, getting hammered.

Millifacent: [doesn't process what they said. To Queen:) Don't lie tuh me yoo SKANK! I'm gunna… (hurls) …I'm gonna put a curse on yer bebe!

Queen: (to Millifacent, concerned:) Millie, do you need someone to call you a cab?

Millifacent: (swirling her finger, creating a penis-shaped cloud of magic) Buh-four thuh sun sets un heare six-theenth birthday, she's gunna die uv… uv… (barfs) uv a DRYUG OVRDOZE!

King: (to Queen:) What do you think she's doing? (Queen shrugs. Millifacent points at the penis cloud, which jizzes magic all over Auroura. Millifacent drunk laughs) Are you gonna, like, pass out or something? Because I really don't want to have to clean that up. (Millifacent laughs, which turns into coughing. She pukes, passes out, and starts drooling.) Perfect. Yep, just lie down right there. That's just fucking perfect.

Queen: (frantically to Lizbeth:) Can your gift fix any of this?  
Lizbeth: (nervously chuckles) Heh, heh, yeah, um… I thought I would be presenting my gift first… and we were saving the best for last… so… (hands her an envelope) here's a gift card to Target…

Queen: (opens envelope) 15 dollars? You might as well have just spit in the envelope!

King: Are you sure there's nothing else you ca do? Like, you know, fucking TRY!?/1?!

Lizbeth: What do you expect me to do?

Queen: Just use some of your lesbian fairy magic!

Lizbeth: (offended:) It's just regular fairy magic…

King: Then use some of your regular fairy magic!

Lizbeth: I can't completely erase the curse, you know… (Queen takes out a wad of bills and starts fanning herself with them) But that doesn't mean I can't try! (thinks a moment) She will die on the night of her sixteenth birthday, unless… she gives a boy the best night of his life before then. (picks up Auroura and blows her nose on her. Drops her.)

King: That's it? We're just gonna hope that some boy comes around willing to fuck her? (gets looks from others) Okay, that probably isn't the hard part, but can't we do anything else?

Queen: Well…we can start by outlawing drugs…

Flora: Wait! You mean to tell me that drugs aren't already outlawed?

King: yeah.

Flora: (rolls eyes) Of course they aren't. Why would they be?

King: We need to hide away Peanut Butter, here, until she turns 16. Then we can make sure she won't be exposed to any drugs.

Queen: Hide her away? Like, behind a bookcase, or something? Because I'm okay with that…

Fauna: We'll take her.

Flora, Lizbeth: Fauna!?

Fauna: (puts a hand in front of them) WITH generous compensation. How about…900,000? (King and Queen share a look of utter shock and faint. Fairies question what to do with hand gestures, some rude and irrelevant. Flora and Lizbeth take Auroura out the way they came. Fauna walks over to King, Queen, and Millifacent and goes through their pockets. In King's pocket, she finds a checkbook. She fills out a check, obviously with a lot of 0s, and tears it out. In Queen's pocket, she finds some bills, and a hellton of bobby pins. In Millifacent pocket, she finds some change and a tampon. She comes across the Target gift card, and tosses it aside, muttering something like "stupid whore…." She exits with the other fairies. When she slams the door closed, King, Queen, and Millifacent wake up.)

Millifacent: (holding forehead:) Oh, god! Why does my head hurt so bad? (throws up. Music fades back in. to King and Queen:) Let's get shitfaced. (walks into party. King and Queen shrug, and follow.)


	3. Scene 3

**Smoking Beauty** **\- Scene 3 - The Montage**

[Since this is a play, actors would have to perform quick costume changes, possibly onstage.]

1999: [The fairies have rented a U-Haul truck, and Flora and Lizbeth are loading boxes, while Fauna sits in a lounge chair and sips a margarita.]

2002: [4 year old Auroura is frolicking.]

2003: [King and Queen are having intimate sex.]

2006: [A man, Jerry, is sitting at his desk in his boring office job. He eats a pretzel from a small bag. He continues typing.]

2008: [Auroura is 10, and getting "The Talk" from the fairies. Flora is reciting shit verbatim from a book. Lizbeth is actually talking to Auroura. Fauna is using her finger and a bagel.]

2009: [Three men in hazmat suits stand around a large pile of drugs. One man has a crown on top of his helmet. The other two are of identical height. The crowned man (King) has a blowtorch.]

King: This is it. The last drugs for miles. [Uses blowtorch on the pile. Before long, the pile catches. The fire roars. An angry scream is heard offstage and Queen enters, fuming.]

Queen: [while walking, to King:] You have some explaining to do mister- [Queen trips on a dime bag since she's wearing high heels. She falls into the fire, and screams in pain. King tries to pull her out, but it's obviously too late. The screams stop, and so do the Queen's movements. The only sound left is the cracking of the fire.

Twin 2: Wow, it sounds like you really dodged a bullet there, huh? [Twin 1 and King look at him] Too soon?

2010: [The King is with a new woman. Another woman spots them together. She smacks him on the face and walks off. The other woman leaves the King, too. King shrinks down in sadness.]

2014, Marina Era: [Auroura is teenager. 15, and a junior in high school, to be exact. She's on the phone with someone.]

Auroura: Yeah, so my sweet 16's in a couple weeks. It's just going to be a small little get-together with a few of my friends so you'd better be one of them, biotch. [hangs up]

Fauna: [calling from offstage:] Auroura!

Auroura: Yeah?

Fauna: AUROURA!

Auroura: YEAH, I SAID YEAH! [Exits]


End file.
